Thack You: Allergic to you

Larry Thack was recently caught in the rain wearing his fur stole.

I suppose it’s allergy season again, but, then again, if you know what you’re doing it’s always allergy season. I have a sophisticated catalog of ailments I use to help me avoid or escape valueless social situations. Once considered the domain of the nerd, I would roll my eyes at various geeks and clods who would excuse themselves to sneeze, drool, or whatever until I realized they were successfully leaving the room – often with sympathy!
I find myself sneezing and coughing on cue now when approached by just about any of our town’s imbeciles and schlubs. Of course I’ve used a variety of maladies over the years now, and it’s become a challenge to keep it all straight. For instance, if I run into Neil at the Food Depot I need to remember the foot hives that kept me from joining him for a round of golf last Fall. “Yes, feeling much better” I would say, “but suffering now from Solar Uticaria and need to watch my sun exposure.” That’s where the difficulties arise – when I add complexity. Fortunately I keep a spreadsheet that I study every morning after my 300 pushups and five minute planks. It takes real discipline but it’s worth it. I won’t say time is precious, because that’s a dumb word, but I will say time is wasted when speaking to people, so I endeavor to guard my time from these burglars.
Running into an acquaintance is bad, but dinner parties are the worst. It’s easy to get out of dinner parties if you claim to have an onion allergy – shallots and garlic fall under this umbrella too. Fortunately just about every dish ever contains onions so I’m always off the hook. On one occasion I was forced to accept an invitation when I was assured no onions would be in any of the dishes. I agreed to attend but then simply threw myself down the stairs the morning before the event and spent a much more lovely evening at home with my new prescription. I remember one spring when I wrapped my hand in a splint and Ace bandage. What a time that was! I think it was six straight weeks I avoided the handshakes of my “friends.” I keep Plantar fasciitis handy if someone wants to go for a walk. Then, when they start in on all their home remedies for it, I just use the “fake phone call” app I just downloaded.
Unfortunately my injuries will eventually heal so I find recurring allergies to be the easiest to manage. It sure is tough going through life in the South allergic to white males and pine straw.

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