Thack You: Scourge of the Town

Larry Thack appreciates the guy’s time, advice, research, and phone calls made on his behalf, but it’d just be easier if he ordered it online.

I would like to take a moment to discuss a new crisis in town. Middle aged men have taken to the streets with their bicycles. Sure this has been going on for decades now, but I don’t think anyone has complained about it for a while.
Now we all know that bicycles are for kids and dishwashers at Mexican restaurants so what gives? These wheeled anachronisms carry two things at all times: a fanny pack and a frown. Sometimes I’ll catch the eye of a cyclist and the frown seems to be a challenge of sorts, almost a dare. Further, they wear brightly colored shirts that beg for your attention. I want to look away, to keep driving and be on my way, but their displeasing blouses act as a matador’s muleta and I find myself helpless to control the wheel.
From the looks of these guys they’re not in it for the fitness, so why endanger themselves and annoy the rest of us? I suppose just as the Japanese find ultimate peace by walking into the ocean, American middle-aged men set out into heavy traffic at rush hour.
When I was a middle-aged boy there was this urban legend that it was “against the law” to ride your bike on the sidewalk. So fearful were we of being beaten and shot by the cops in our village we would never be seen anywhere but on the streets flowing with traffic. A return to the sidewalks for cyclists is what’s needed! Many of you will say there are bike lanes on the streets, but we all know these are “texting easements” that allow for the natural side-to-side drifting that occurs when you’re trying to balance the responsibilities of driving and texting.

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