Thack You: Yeah, with the Girl Scout Cookies Again


Larry Thack is the author of Chicken Soup for the Boxed-Wine Drinker’s Soul

The other day while exiting a local retail store I was ambushed by a Girl Scout peddling cookies. The wave of dread one feels upon realizing that a social standoff is likely to occur in the next few seconds is indescribably delightful. I used to come to these fights unprepared, but now I have a list.
Like the shrapnel lodged in my neck I have burned this list of “Reasons I Cannot Buy Your Cookies” into my brain for all ensuing battles with whatever troop of scouts I might encounter:
• Sorry, they make my mouth bleed.
• I used to date Juliette Gordon Low – the cookies provoke bad memories.
• Sure! Let me get a large empty box to put all the cookies I will buy from you into! Be right back……
• What’s your return policy?
• Fox News told me not to buy cookies from you.
• I promised myself no indulgences ‘til Rick Astley releases another single.
• Last time I didn’t get a receipt.
• I’m under contract with Lorna Doone – sorry.
• Cookies give me foot hives.
• No thanks, I just ate.
• Is there weed in them? ……No thanks.




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